When Jools met the Boosh
by cookiemunster
Summary: It aint easy being a shaman... especially if you're a sha-woman
1. Androgyny

**OK, here we go. Right, let's get down to business. First of all, you don't have to read 'When Howard Met Vince' because this isn't strictly a sequel, but the two stories are linked and there is a plotline running from that fic to this one, so yeah. Read it if you like, you don't have to.**

**Secondly, this is the most ambitious story I've done to date. It's going to be quite a journey for me, and I hope, a fun one for you guys reading.**

**Thirdly, the inspiration for the song bits (which will be at the start of each chapter) come mainly from a great book by Sara Manning, called 'Pretty Things'. Buy it, it's a great read! Also, I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE SONGS USED. I just appreciate their existence!**

**Fourthly, read 'Friday I'm in Love' if you want this to make a bit more sense.**

**Lastly, huge thanks and love to Corrine (Radar-rox) for loaning me Tara Noir for a little while. That's why this story is dedicated to my favourite Bristolian!**

**The Boosh doesn't belong to me, although all OCs do, apart from Tara who's Corrine's. So without further ado….**

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**When Jools met the Boosh **

**Chapter One- Androgyny **

'_**When everything is going wrong, and you can't see the point in going on, nothing in life is set in stone, there's nothing that can't be turned around….**_**'**

_**Song : Garbage 'Androgyny'**_

Vince opened his eyes, and smoothed his jet black hair off his forehead. He stretched out, like a cat, on the flat's sofa. He attempted to move his head and decided that it wasn't a very good idea… about thirty thousand little bits of fluff seemed to be floating about in his brain, doing a fluffy dance, with their fluffed up legs.

Vince wondered why he was on the sofa... had he had an argument with himself and thrown himself out of the bedroom? That didn't seem very fair on him.

He moaned slightly, half at the sunlight streaming through the flat's curtains and half at the impromptu fluff party. He needed tea. Tea fixed everything. Although getting tea involved standing up, finding a mug, a teabag, water, kettle, milk, teaspoon, and maybe a biscuit. This, to the massively hung-over Vince, seemed like a mammoth task. More than that. It was at least a three mammoth thing. Maybe even a saber tooth tiger thrown in as well.

Vince heaved himself up, his mind now filled with prehistoric mammals as well as fluff. And then suddenly, a horrific sound filled his ears. Worse than the noise of the door clicking shut, when you left it on the latch to go and get the milk in while still in your pajamas. Worse than hearing your flesh searing as you realise you've laid on your Nicky Clarke staraighteners. This was the sound of….

"Vince, sweetie you're awake!"

The ex… back from wherever…. ex-s go… the ex-box?

'_Oh god. Oh god no, no, I __**can't**__ have done, no, it's not real'_ thought Vince, letting his heavy head fall into his hands, his fingers probing his temples. Tea was forgotten. He now needed a train to Xanudu….

"Good night's sleep?"

He'd live in a tree… with some monkeys….

"I slept in your… well _our _bed; you don't mind do you, honey? You were too drunk last night to get past the sofa. Still it was a good night wasn't it? Well it was for me, I can't believe it, that we're back together, it's like a dream come true!"

He liked monkeys… and he'd eat sweets all day.

"I'm going to open the curtains and let some of this beautiful sunlight in!"

Vince slowly realised that having monkey fantasies wasn't going to make Magenta disappear. Short of walking around with his eyes shut yelling 'La la la! You aren't here!' nothing was going to make her leave. In fact, she'd probably think the singing was cute.

He looked at her, through his slightly bleary eyes. Her white blonde hair was going dark at the roots and her blue eyes were just blue. Not deep navy. Not like someone else's. But that person had said that she'd never see him again and now, six months on, he was beginning to agree with her. Didn't make him give up hope though, he still thought that he'd walk into her in some bar, one night and it'd be like she'd never left. But on one of those lonely nights, he'd met Magenta Ross, who had dyed blonde hair and a screechy voice but at least she hadn't run off as soon as he had touched her.

Magenta suddenly grabbed his attention again, as she was flitting around straightening up magazines, and dusting around Howard's Jazz records.

He couldn't believe he'd gone there again. It had taken him ages (two weeks, which actually does feel like ages with Magenta). She was a very nice girl, Vince couldn't deny it. But she was nice like candy floss is nice. Eventually, it makes you feel sick or destroys your teeth.

"Maggy! Can you just… not" Vince finally said, shuffling unsteadily to his feet.

"Oh, sweetie, you want some tea? Stay here; I'll go make you some!" Magenta was already dancing towards the mugs.

Dancing. In the morning. What the hell was wrong with her?

"No! Look its fine I can… you can... go home and change or something? Please?" Vince just wanted her out of the flat. He'd even call the Police if he had too. Even a Riot Squad… snipers…actually snipers were an oddly comforting thought.

She turned to look at him. Her eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to get rid of me?" she asked.

"Ummm… no. I just, you know, look a state and I'm probably just going to sleep and you know… so yeah.." Vince realised that on any other girl this kind of mindless rambling wouldn't work. Fortunately, Magenta wasn't any other girl

"OK! Just let me get my bag! But you look lovely… you know even with your eyeliner all over your face!" she called as she skipped out of the room.

Vince glanced at himself in the mirror and found that he looked hungover, tired and androgynous, as his tight purple t shirt clung to his skinny body and his longish mop of black hair was all over the place. Well not all over the place, if it was all over the place it'd be in Beijing and Seoul and the Ukraine. It was all still on his head it just looked disheveled.

She flounced back in and threw her arms round Vince, her perfume intoxicatingly strong and smelling of cotton candy.

"Oh I love you Mr Noir!" she said into his chest.

"Oh- k" said Vince, trying to laugh it off. "Buh bye now"

Unfortunately she'd sort of managed to clamp herself onto him as she hugged him and now seemed unwilling to let him go. Like a 5 foot 6 limpet. With a bad dye job. He slowly maneuvered her across the room, towards the stairs, like they were doing a weird kind of slow dance. Every time he moved his arms trying to get free she seemed to have another few arms to clamp him down again. Eventually, after much 'I love you!' from Magenta and 'Ok it's time to go now' from Vince, they reached the top of the stairs.

"You get home safely now ok?" said Vince silently adding '_and don't come back_!' in his head.

"OK! " She turned to walk down the stairs and then turned back, ran up the stairs grabbed him and kissed him incredibly hard on the lips. Vince, who felt like he'd eaten that residue that you get at the bottom of cereal packets (you know, when there's always like cereal dust and it's really dry) really wasn't in the mood to have a tongue thrust down his throat, jumped back and held her at arms length.

"Bye!" he said and gently turned her round and shoved her, politely, towards the door.

"See you soon!" she yelled and then Vince heard the blissful noise of a door slam.

He rubbed his eyes and turned back to the kitchen, to finally make a cup of tea. Then he stopped and rubbed his eyes again because he thought they were playing tricks on him.

There seemed to be someone, in the kitchen. A short person, wearing a suit of amour. Like a knight. They were wearing a helmet with a metal visor, metal breast plate, chain mail shirt leg amour, metal shin pads and metal shoe coverings.

Vince stared at the 'knight' who turned to look at him. It was only then that Vince noticed the blood running down the breast plate and the bloodied, tarnished sword in the knight's hand.

"Naboo…" choked the knight in a tiny whisper. "I need Naboo the shaman…"

Then, with a clatter that sounded like thirty baking trays being thrown in a cement mixer, the suit of amour (and the person inside) crumbled to the floor.

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**Tell me what you think!**


	2. Help!

Thank you to my reviewers! You're all lovely; I'm baking pies right now to send to you! Sorry it's been a while, exams n revision n shit. Hope this is worth the wait!

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**Chapter 2: Help!**

_**Help, I need somebody,  
Help, not just anybody,  
Help, you know I need someone, help.**_

Naboo, turban-less and bleary eyed, in a blue night robe called, 'What's going on?' to Vince, assuming the young man had just got confused with the attachments and dropped the cooker's grill (again). However, upon seeing the bloodied knight at Vince's feet he turned an odd shade of greeny white and exclaimed;

"Oh god… Jools!"

Naboo bent down and began to loosen the face grill on the helmet that the knight was wearing. He gasped when the grill finally swung open. Jools' usually pale white skin had taken on a disturbing pallor and a large purple bruise was forming on her left cheek. Webs of cuts and scratches swathed across her face and neck. Some of her white hair, now a dull grey, was stuck to her forehead. Naboo gently eased back some strands and was alarmed that blood oozed out onto his fingers from a gash on her head.

Vince stood motionless by Naboo's side. There was something eerily familiar about the woman's face.

Suddenly, her eyes cracked open, and Vince knew who she was. Deep navy blue eyes gazed up vacantly.

"Aurelia?" Vince asked in a whisper, too small for anyone else to hear. So really, apart from the purpose of the plot, there was no reason for him to say it.

Suddenly her eyes focused, but not on Vince (because she hadn't heard him talking in his mouse whisper).

"Naboo?" she croaked, her voice as cracked as Tom Cruise. (Come on… he is.)

"Shh.." he said soothingly.

"Naboo" she said again, a small smile dancing on her split lip. (Not literally dancing of course because it'd hurt her a lot.

Suddenly though her eyes filled with tears. "I-it was so horrible... you have to help…" her whole body shook. Then she shut her eyes again and appeared to drift out of consciousness.

"Bollo… take Jools to my room will ya?" asked Naboo, getting up from tending to his friend.

"What's going on?" asked Howard, planting himself firmly in the story. Hello Howard, I've missed you.

"Hi" said Howard and then wasn't quite sure why.

"Well, this is my childhood friend Jools… and she appears to be having a bit of trouble." said Naboo, ignoring Howard's confused greeting to the author.

"She's bloody heavy…" moaned Bollo, but he handled her tenderly, like she was a doll with limbs made of pottery (or a woman with limbs made of metal amour.)

"Right… will she be ok?" asked Howard.

"She should be fine..." called Naboo as he followed Bollo down the corridor to his room.

Howard, who still had no clue what was going on, but decided to make the best of a bad situation.

"Tea, Vince?" he asked his friend, who was still motionless, leaning against the kitchen counter.

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"_Will_ she be ok?" asked Bollo. He'd placed Jools down on the bed and he and Naboo had set about taking her left knee pad off so that Naboo could treat it. 

"I hope so." said Naboo, mixing some herbs together with some purple stuff in a pestle and mortar.

After his initial panic, Naboo's fears over Jools' health were soothed. He'd ascertained that his friend had a few cosmetic wounds, a bad knee and was so knackered that her levels of communication had dropped below those held by the average Big Brother contestant.

Of course, Naboo had worked this out by doing a basic shamanic type thing. Naboo had never told Howard or Vince about his ability to gently probe someone's mind. Thing is, shamen can't help doing this, it just happens.

Believe it or not, people think louder than they talk so when someone feels something strongly, or even not very strongly, shamen get assaulted with their thoughts. It's actually quite annoying to most shamen (and of course sha-women). Whenever they are popping down to the shop to get a pint of milk or heading out to the cinema all they get is '_I wish I could go shoe shopping…_' from an office worker, '_I really love her!I wonder if she got my text? Or the flowers? Or the chocolate?_' from a lovesick young man or '_The sum of the two shortest sides of a right angled triangle…_' from some poor kid just about to sit their GSCE Maths.

Of course, he could block it out sometimes, or turn the volume down on some people's thoughts, but pretty much all the time, Naboo was privy to everyone's personal thoughts. He'd often wondered about telling his girlfriend Tara about this, but had always decided against it… mostly because she'd smack him round the head for not telling her sooner…

What Naboo had got from Jools' memory had alarmed him most. He'd got her basic health and fatigue ('_Owww… my fucking knee hurts!_') when he'd searched her mind, but also snatches of conversation, the sound of fighting with swords, calls to arms, screaming…

She stirred slightly and let out a low moan.

Bollo looked at her. "She pretty." he said.

Naboo shuffled slightly. "I suppose…"

Bollo looked at his friend closely. "Vince loves his little sister very much."

Naboo felt annoyed. "What's your point?"

"He loves her enough to actually attack someone with enough magical potential to tear him in two."

"Bollo.. I love Jools very much. But just not… the way…" he trailed off.

"Good… I go make tea now. Two sugars?" asked the gorilla as he shambled out of the room.

"Please." said Naboo.

After Bollo had shut the door, Naboo turned to his friend and regarded her lifeless form.

"Right." he said. "Let's get your clothes off…"

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**Reveiws appreciated!**


	3. We used to be Friends

**In honour of the new series. And for Corrine, as always.

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**Chapter 3: We used to be friends**

'_**A long time ago… we used to be friends…'**_

Naboo soon discovered that getting the armor of Jools' body was harder than it had originally seemed. That's because it appeared that she'd actually been welded in it, or the stuff was surgically attached to her skin.

That and Jools was completely and utterly out of it. She'd always slept like a kid, he remembered, as soon as she was out, she was out. He remembered once, in college, he'd actually had to climb on top of her and yell in her ears, throw water on her, pull all her sheets of her bed in a vain attempt to wake her. Of course, as soon as he went across the room and touched her wardrobe door she'd sat bolt upright and yelled 'Get away from the shoes or prepare to say goodbye to your feet, Sheep Spawn.'

After much sweating and heaving (and swearing) he'd managed to get it so she was just wearing the smock that she wore to stop the chain mail chafing her skin.

Her hair was as long as he remembered it, tied back and pinned against her head in loose braids, the delicate whiteness smeared with blood and dirt every now and then. He liked her hair, it always smelled sweet and clean. Her round face was blemish free, apart from the small scratches and bruises on her pearly white skin. Her full lips were pink and full like a rose in bloom…

Naboo stood up and shook himself (mentally, he shook himself. He didn't stand up and shake his arms and legs about, because frankly, that'd look weird and it isn't a very shamanic thing to do). He shouldn't be thinking about Jools like that. She was practically his sister. He loved her… but not the way he loved Tara. He thought about Tara, his beautiful, van driving, fun loving, multi coloured haired girlfriend. She was like no one he'd ever met. She made him feel things he never thought possible. She was just… so _right _for him.

So it was quite a shock when, 30 later seconds Jools opened her eyes, saw him, smiled and said 'hello' and promptly pulled him by the lapels to kiss him…Only to have her push him away five seconds later.(What, look I KNOW you're thinking 'Five seconds? That's ages!' But Naboo is a very polite man. He doesn't push women. Even if they are tonsil raping him)

She had a very startled look on her face.

"What the hell?" she asked, looking around Naboo's colourful bedroom.

"Why am I here, where is here, why are you here?" her questions fell out in a tumble. Then the most prominent one came back to her "Why did I just kiss you?"

Naboo saw he had no choice "I don't know, London on earth, and I live here. And again, I have no idea.Although you should probably know, I have a girlfriend. "

Jools continued to look confused.

"Naboo… you do not live on earth! You reside on Xooberon! We came here… on a trip" her voice became disjointed as memories came flooding back.

It was Naboo's turn to look confused. To be honest, really it was more the clocks turn to be looking confused by now, or the chaise lounge in the corner. But seeing as they don't have faces (ok… the clock does, smart arse) it was down to the two humanoids to have precedence over the expressions.

"What are you on about? Our trip ended nearly forty years ago!" he insisted.

"What?" screeched Jools. Naboo shot backwards and went turban over elbow as he fell off the bed.

"But we… we were JUST in New York! We were JUST saying goodbye! You must remember? We hugged and it was snowing….?" There were tears in her eyes, as she clutched his arms.

"Jools… that WAS forty years ago. You went back to Celestaiaa? To finish the training?"

She continued to look confused.

"You've bene here before, remember? When you had that trouble?"

Again a blank look.

Naboo reached out and touched her face and shut his eyes. He realised with alarm, the memories that she had had when she first arrived in the kitchen had gone. They had literally vanished, as if they'd never been there in the first place.

"Oh … Jools I think you have amnesia." he said gravely.

"Hmm... yes that seems to be the most logical explanation. Seeing as I cannot remember a single thing that has happened in the last four decades. Your powers of deduction are truly remarkable, Naboo." she said, sarcastically. But there was a sad note in her voice.

Then she brightened.

"You must know what I have been doing! We are best friends!" she reached out and grabbed his hand, giving him a broad smile.

Naboo felt a dull ache tug on his heart. He dropped her hand.

"No Jools… not really. Not anymore. All I know about you is that you have an important job which basically stops you from spending anytime with me. Except when you're in trouble." he couldn't help adding, bitterly.

"Oh." Jools looked at her hands, which were littered with small grazes.

Naboo's heart melted. Not literally, it didn't just start running everywhere, like brie in the microwave. But the little part of it, usually reserved for Tara and kittens (who'd have thought it?), softened slightly as he looked down at his friend, who looked like she'd just eaten a sock.

"Hey look, it'll be ok. I'll do a scrying spell on your last movements, and we'll soon find out what happened to you. Now, I'll go and find the clothes you left here last time." Naboo shuffled off.

Jools clambered back up onto the bed, her mind whirling. She couldn't understand… how had she lots her memories? How could four decades just be gone, like candy floss in a downpour? And… how had she spent the last forty years not talking to Naboo? They always talked, she couldn't recall a day when they hadn't spoken, either face to face or via telepathic link in the previous four hundred years. So why now?

She recalled the kiss and blushed violently. All _that _had been so long ago. But her memories were so churned up. She rolled onto her side and a small picture in a frame caught her attention. It was of a girl, smiling. She had interesting hair and large blue eyes. She was very pretty, in her Scumbag College T shirt and jeans. It wasn't just her though. There was love in her eyes. Jools sensed that Naboo had taken the picture. She smiled at it.

Jools got up and began to walk around the flat. The place looked homely, but there was a dash of style here and there too. She wondered about the men Naboo lived with. The gorilla… he had been kind. The tall man with the moustache… and the young man. With blue eyes…. he'd said…something. Something strange…

A jangling noise distracted Jools. The small, plastic machine on Naboo's kitchen wall appeared to be chirruping at her. Like an annoying bird. On drugs. With a personality problem. And Tourettes.

She vaguely remembered these things… humans used them for communication. God only knows why they didn't jut develop their cerebral cortex's psychic capacity, making thought conversations possible. And it's not like BT could charge for them. Tentatively, she picked up the ringing device and held it to her ear.

"Umm.. Naboo's flat.." she hazarded.

"Hi, this is Tara… who's that?"

"Hello Tara, I'm Jools."

Jools felt pleased with herself that despite the fact she could barely remember anything of the last forty years; she still remembered basic human etiquette. It was small comfort, really, seeing as if you go to any town centre in Britain, there are people whose memories work perfectly well yet have not grasped the very basics of hygiene, yet alone social niceties. And I'm not even talking about the homeless people.

Tara paused. She'd heard Naboo mention Jools and she knew that they used to be close… she tried to beat down the wave of panic that was rising in her. Despite his insistence that it would never happen, Tara always assumed that one day, Naboo would suddenly realise that he belonged with someone more glamorous, smarter, taller, could do magic and who's hair stayed looking nice even in windy/humid weather. She worried that this Jools person might be the girl.

What Tara didn't know was that Jools was privy to all these thoughts. Jools didn't particularly want to have her thoughts in her head, but she did and her heart went out to Tara. Jools knew what it was like to feel like you were losing someone you cared about.

Of course, Naboo chose that point to yell something rather sitcom-ish.

"Jools, what do you want me to do with your clothes? They got a bit dirty and I'm not sure this white stuff will come out…"

"What was that he said?" asked Tara, clutching her mobile tighter to her ear.

"Ahhh… funny thing… that was just Naboo in the bedroom… I left my clothes in there and ahhhh!" Jools said, trying to make the best out of a bad situation. And failing. With a certain jittery charm.

"You left your clothes… in his bedroom."

"Yes."

"And they have white stuff on them."

"Well, yes, but … we didn't do anything! I mean, there was a bit of kissing, but that was because I was all confused. And Naboo took MY clothes off. I mean, I don't mean he took my clothes off, I mean he took them off but only because he needed to help me. And the ones that have stuff on them are just ones I left with him ages ago! You see I have amnesia and -"

"That you'd kiss Naboo and leave your clothes in his room? After he'd kindly removed them for you?! AND HE HAS CLOTHES THAT YOU LEFT AT HIS FLAT BEFORE!?" yelled Tara.

"Uhhh…"

At this point, Naboo wandered in, looking a bit bewildered. His old friend seemed flustered and as soon as she saw him she thrust the phone at him and said;

"It's Tara and she may be a little…."

Naboo gave Jools a confused look and lifted the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

He seemed to have caught Tara mid rant about something. "-but with my brother in the same flat you've got some nerve missy, I-"

"Tara? What's wrong?" asked Naboo.

"And I hope you are bloody happy together, you turban wearing bastard!" she said and then slammed the phone down. Well she would've done, if she hadn't been sat in the van and was therefore using a mobile. But she pressed the 'End Call' button very hard, I can tell you.

Naboo stared at the phone for a moment, then turned to Jools who was studying the wallpaper like it was a Van Gogh. She glanced up at him, all sheepish (although not covered in wool).

"What did you do?"

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**Yo. So I figure it's been a while and if anyone is still reading this they are probably pissed off by now. So yeah, sorry. Stuff gets in the way. Also some notes : I realise that this story might be a bit confusing, so the plot is pretty complex (for me at least… I suppose I could have written something about Magic Mittens, but hey, I fancied a challenge). Thing is, you are just going to have to bear with it. All will become clear. I'm not saying that will happen soon but you know, persevere and you will succeed. **

**Actually, now I think about Magic Mittens seems a pretty good idea…. **

**Please Review! **


	4. Us Amazonians

**So I would say 'It's been a while' but that, quite frankly, is an understatment ****. It's been about 800 years. Honestly, you should see how long my beard has gotten... can barely type on this swanky new laptop...****Oh yeah, the song in the last chapter was by 'The Dandy ****Warhols****' and was called 'We used to be ****friends' .**** It's good. **

**So yep, the adventure continues. Ironically, you get the meeting of two characters who are loosely based on two people who failed to meet last week. Well one of them, the scatterbrained idiot one failed to get to the place where she was supposed to be... if only I had Jools' ability. So this is dedicated to Corrine in the hope that one day we will be sitting in her VW van sipping cool lemonade...

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**"**_**Us Amazonians make out alright... b**__**ut**__** we want something to hold in the forest at night..."**_

**Kirsty****MacColl****– Us Amazonians**

The library was** not** a place that was on Vince's top ten of cool places to hang out. In fact it was right down there with old people's homes and the sorting office of Swansea Post Office. Yet here he was, leafing through the shelves of 'Art , Photography and Cake Making' at Dalston's public library.

However even though his fingertips glided gently over the colourful spines of the books he didn't really read any of the titles. His mind was back at the flat...

Aurelia. She was back. Back in his life through some bizarre turn of events. She was Naboo's friend, yet he'd called her 'Jools'... Vince vaguely remembered the shaman talking about someone he went to school with by that name. There was something odd going on... she was part of something, something big, something bad... she wasn't who she'd let him think she was, that was for sure.

Vince remembered how Aurelia had been covered in blood and seemingly in pain...how she'd had a desperate look in her eyes... he shut his own eyes to block it out but carried on walking, right into a librarian.

It wasn't actually surprising that Vince hadn't seen the librarian, as she literally blended in to her surroundings, like a speccy chameleon. In fact there were a great deal of librarians like this, as Vince looked around, milling around with a kind of vacant expression, their mouths slightly open slotting books onto shelves and listlessly shushing everyone in sight, even if they weren't making any noise whatsoever.

Vince sighed and randomly picked up a book. 'Rudimentary Parrot Juggling' by Kristopher Kristopherhaagebsen. Excellent. He shoved it back down on the shelf and went off to find Bollo and Howard.

Howard was grinning like the Cheshire Cat on MDMA. Oh this was good! This was brilliant. A rare unsigned copy of Johnny Suicide Fingers biography available in the library's de-registered book section for only 2 Euros! He was now making a small pile of books in the crook of his arm.

He looked up and saw that Bollo was in the CD section, leafing through the new releases and Vince was mooching about, looking like a moody peacock. The little man had been distracted all morning, and Howard realised that it was only because Vince's mind was on other things that he'd agreed to come to the library in the first place. Books usually gave the pointy one rashes.

Vince had actually been fairly distracted for a few months. Howard couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something about Vince had been unusually broody, like his mind and his thoughts (that was another thing, there seemed to be more than one) were elsewhere. Then of course there'd been Magenta.

Howard had nothing against her in theory; he was just absolutely amazed that Vince had managed to pick up the one woman in all of London who was even shallower than himself. And actually he had quite a lot against Magenta in practice... she was annoying in the extreme and she didn't like jazz. She was basically a female version of Vince without the style...

And what's more, Vince could see it... he'd split up with her a couple of times before, always giving lame excuses.

'I can't tonight a badger nicked my wallet...' 'The carpet ate Howard's trousers.' 'I'm a lesbian'.

Yet she always came back. Either she was as thick as twenty two million planks of wood stapled together or she loved Vince... which was probably stupider. Because Howard knew Vince wasn't in love with her.

It was the way he looked at her sometimes, like he wished she'd just go away...or suddenly change into someone else...

Howard suddenly bumped into a librarian. This was not a strange happening in the place, as has been pointed out before, the librarians were swift and silent as literary ninjas. But this librarian grinned at him, her dark eyes shining. Howard took in her red wavy hair, dark skin, yellow shirt dress, green tights and red shoes. He knew instantly that he would never be able to say anything even vaguely coherent in her presence.

"Hi." She said with a smile.

Howard tried to remember what normal people said in response to this...

"Er, hi." He ventured. _Wow, that actually made sense!_ he thought happily.

"I'm Sorrow." She said.

"Oh... I'm... sorry..." he replied, not really understanding what she'd said. But Howard rarely understood women, it was basically an occupational hazard of being Howard.

She laughed slightly. "No I mean, my name is Sorrow."

"Oh that's... pretty.."

"It's really not. What's yours?"

"My what?" asked Howard.

"Your name!" she laughed again.

"Oh. It's um... It's... Howard!" he said, finally grasping at the name he'd been toting his whole life.

"Pleased to meet you Howard." She said, holding her hand out for him to shake. Of course, Howard eagerly obliged and in the process dropped all the books he was holding. They both did that thing where you both go 'Sorry' 'Oh no, it was my fault' 'You stay there, I'll pick them up' so both of you end up on the floor and inevitably nearly knocking each other out as you both reach for the same thing. It's like a fundamental law of the universe. (Stephen Hawking could explain it better but apparently he has a real job and doesn't have time...)

"Sorry." They said as their fingers clashed (come on, as if you couldn't see that coming) as they both reached for the same book. Sorrow picked up the slim tome.

"Aww no! " she exclaimed, earning herself a harsh look from a beige ninja. "You really want to buy this?" she asked, holding Johnny Suicide Finger's biography.

"Um... yeah?"

"I wanted this..." she said sadly, handing it to him.

"You wanted Johnny Suicide Finger's biography?" he asked, thoroughly amazed.

"Well yeah! I mean, he's the man who wrote 'Unchained Calamities' and 'I love Cassie McDemis, the Woman with a Shenis!'. He's a genius."

Howard wondered if this was the first time that anyone had fallen in love after hearing a woman saying 'shenis'.

"He is... you know that was based on a true story?"

Bollo watched Howard talking to the pretty woman, amazed that the moustachioed one had not yet said anything to deeply offend /freak her out. It was only a matter of time he reasoned as he continued to flick through the records. He casually drew out 'Flaps Magee and the Elstree Three' and copied it using Naboo's copying device which looked remarkably like a massive sandwich toaster. He had it hidden in his bag and as he surreptitiously slipped the record in a series of bangs and whirs could be heard, which earned him a few curious glances from other library goers and a lot of angry shushing from the librarians.

Vince shuffled over to him. "You shouldn't be doing that, one of the Pastel Army'll come and duff you up."

"Bollo not worried. Bollo got card with Central City library." He slotted the record back in place.

Vince nodded and then glanced around to find Howard. He was amazed to see him chatting to a woman. Well he was amazed to see him chatting to a woman and the woman not looking terrified or disgusted. It was pretty bizarre.

"What's Howard doing?" he asked his ape friend.

Bollo shook his head. "I dunno... not using his normal method of smooth talk, that's for sure."

"Come on... we have to hear this." Said Vince, nodding towards the pair.

Howard and Sorrow were still chatting away.

"Well my parents were both massive Hardy fans and they were going to call me Tess... cept when was born they both realised that I looked more like the lodger than I did my dad... so I became 'Sorrow'" she giggled.

"Wow, that's quite sad really." said Howard, but thinking nothing of the sort. He was just delighted to keep her chatting for so long. She had a really pretty laugh, like water gushing in a mountain stream.

"It's not that bad, I wouldn't want to be called Tess... are those friends of yours?" she asked.

Howard turned to see Bollo and Vince grab magazines from the rack to pretend they hadn't been ear wigging. The fact that Bollo was reading 'Woman's Weekly' and Vince 'The Scientific Review' was enough to convince Howard of their eavesdropping. And the fact that Vince was reading it upside down.

He sighed and Sorrow giggled again.

"Um.. listen could I maybe... haveyourphonenumber?" asked Howard, in a rush. He was about to retract what he'd said by beginning to say "I mean you don't have to-" but Sorrow had already whipped a pen out from behind her ear and written down a series of numbers on a scrap of paper.

"There you go. I look forward to hearing from you, Howard." She said, handing him the piece of paper and holding onto his hand for just a second. Howard laughed goofily as she smiled into his eyes.

He was still grinning as he made his way to where Vince and Bollo were stood, Vince with his arms folded and one of his eyebrows raised.

"What?" asked Howard.

"Nothing!" replied his friend. But Vince was smiling almost as much as Howard.

* * *

Tara stared at her phone for a moment after she'd clicked it off. She couldn't believe what had just happened. Well to give her credit it was pretty unbelievable and she didn't know the half of it. If you can believe that... 

She threw her phone in her bag, which sat on the seat next to her and weighed up her options. She could stay in the van on this motorway siding or she could get back out on the road. A lorry driver buying a cup of tea at the dodgy little motor cafe winked at her. She pulled her seatbelt round her and then slammed her foot down on the accelerator.

She couldn't even begin to think what that had all been about. She couldn't think that Naboo would ever do anything deliberately to hurt her but then why..? She sighed as she felt her bottom lip begin to shake and the hot tears welling in her eyes.

Tara, being for the most part a logical person, hadn't noticed the blue sparkly light which began to swirl around in the passenger seat for a few reasons. The main one was that she was distracted by both her emotional crisis and the trickier traffic on the M62. But of course there is also the factor that there should not be blue sparkly light in the front of her van... so Tara didn't notice that there was... at least not until the smoke turned into a person.

Jools surveyed her new surroundings. She appeared to be in a brightly coloured lump of metal and glass travelling at approximately 56 kilometres an hour... 43... 37...

"Who the hell are you?" asked the pretty, if slightly angry looking, pink haired woman driving the van.

"I'm Jools... we just spoke on the phone." She grinned at Tara.

Tara continued to stare at the white haired woman in the passenger seat until a furious blare from the horn of another driver distracted her.

"Ah do you mind if I...?" asked Jools, but she didn't wait for confirmation. A few seconds later Tara's van was lifted from the motorway and was hovering twenty feet in the air.

"How did you... you're a shaman aren't you?" asked Tara but it sounded more of a statement of fact than a question.

"Yep." replied Jools.

"...is there any reason why you are here or do you just lift people's modes of transport off the road for your own amusement?" asked Tara, gingerly turning of the engine before crossing her arms.

"Oh yes, sorry. Naboo sent me because of what I said on the phone..." Jools couldn't help liking Tara. The fact that she clearly cared so much for Naboo made her warm to her instantly. She also liked the younger woman's ability to be sarcastic to the person who had the power to drop her from a considerable height onto a busy motorway.

"I see." Tara crossed her legs as well. She realised that if she wanted to show she was more annoyed the only option now was to cross her eyes, something she was not planning on doing.

"It wasn't what it sounded like. Naboo was simply helping me out. I've had a difficult time recently and he was tending to my wounds." Jools explained. Tara noticed the painful looking cuts on Jools' face, and while she could see that the woman was telling the truth she wasn't entirely comfortable...

"You said there was kissing..."

"Ah. Well... Naboo and I... we used to be together. A very long time ago and it was a very bad idea. I woke up today and I appear to be missing a fair amount of my memories... and the ones I still have got muddled. So yeah, I kissed Naboo but only because I thought I was still with him." Jools saw the less than impressed expression on Tara's face.

"You needn't worry, we were both suitably disgusted. It was like kissing your brother..."

"You kissed my brother?" asked Tara.

"What..?"

"Ah, sorry. Got a bit confused. My brother lives with Naboo, it's how I met him. Naboo not Vince."

Jools nodded. "I think I remember him... yes, when I collapsed in the kitchen I remembering him looming over me... you have the same eyes."

There was an unabashed honesty and openness in Jools' manner that made Tara like the other woman, despite herself. She trusted that she was being honest.

"Not the same hair though... is that natural?" asked Jools.

"Ahaha, No... is yours?.." Tara asked, her eyebrows raised.

"Yep, sadly. Do you have any idea how often I have to wash it to keep it this white? Yeah it looks nice but its hard work... see look! I've got blood in it... this'll take weeks to get out..."

"How did you... get so hurt?" asked Tara.

Jools shut her blue eyes, screwing them up tight. "Nope..." she said in a strained voice. Then she sighed loudly. "Argh, I keep trying so hard to remember but... nothing. I can't remember the last forty years of my life!"

Tara looked amazed. "Wow... if I couldn't remember that far back then I wouldn't remember years before I was born! Well... I don't remember that anyway. But... it must be so frustrating."

Jools looked down at her hands. "Yeah... it is... especially when all I seem to remember clearly are things I'd rather forget..."

Tara glanced across at Jools, wanting to question her. But Jools was looking at the little green plastic heart keyring that dangled from Tara's car keys which sat lifelessly in the ignition.

"Cute." Grinned the older woman. "Naboo gave it to you?"

"Yeah... how'd you know?"

Jools smiled to herself. Obviously Naboo hadn't told Tara about the shaman talent of thought projection... perhaps, as Jools suspected, he'd decided to block most of Tara's thoughts. That's what she'd done with-

"Right! Well.. I think my job here is done... you'll give Naboo a call?"said Jools, speaking abruptly to stop her flow of thoughts.

"Uh yeah..." Tara smiled. "Thank you for this. I just... I feel like... it's stupid, I know everything with Naboo is fine but I just think sometimes-"

"That a massive great foot is going to come down from the sky and stomp on you? Or that some stupid amnesia ridden sha-woman is going to turn up and wreck everything?" asked Jools, wryly.

Tara smiled. "Well... not exactly... but yes, in a way."

"Don't worry about it. He loves you. He'll always love you. Even if I was the best kisser in the universe he wouldn't forget that." Jools said simply. The van began to fill with the same strange smoky light that Jools had appeared in.

"You need anything, just call me..." was Jools' parting message as she dematerialised.

Tara was still smiling when she turned to her steering wheel, intending to turn the engine on. Then she realised the fairly fundamental flaw in that plan.

"JOOLS!" she yelled at the top of her voice. A second later Jools was back in the passenger seat.

"What?"

"Can you put me down please?" asked Tara.

The pair of them looked out of the windscreen at the speeding traffic some 8 meters below.

"Ah... sorry about that." Said Jools rubbing her neck meekly.

"I hate motorways at the best of times..." said Tara.

* * *

Spot the ironic statement, win a prize! Please review and have some free cake. Well it's not so much 'free' as 'nonexistent'... it's the thought that counts... 


	5. Lethal Enforcer

**Chapter Five**

"_**You're never going to understand what you're seeing..." **_

**_Lethal Enforcer_- We Are Scientists**

Naboo sat in the flat drinking a mug of tea, feeling warm all over. Tara had called and things were OK again... also she'd made it to her friend's house in Cornwall six hours before schedule thanks to Jools' magic.

"She's cool Naboo." Tara had said. Tara was right, Jools was cool. She'd been his best friend for so long, pretty much since the first day of shaman college. She'd walked in and swished her long white hair over her shoulder and demanded if the floor cushion next to him was free(shaman college is not very conventional compared to 'normal' colleges. The fact is that when you are teaching a bunch of young adults who are capable of time travel they can essentially not come to lessons for weeks and then just do an intense cramming-time travel trip a few days before exams. Problems had been created in the space time continuum because of this, so the staff at the college had tried their level best to stop it happening. The floor cushions were all they'd come up with. That's what you get for having a brain storming session with people who have access to copious amounts of weed.)

From that point on, after Naboo had commented that he liked her necklace they'd been friends... and for a little while something more. It had been weird, her kissing him today. When they'd first got to know each other Naboo had developed a pretty huge crush on Jools. It was hard not to really, she was so warm and friendly. A couple of hundred years ago he'd have killed for her to kiss him like that. But now he had Tara he could see how what he'd felt for Jools had been friendship laced with mutual lust. With Tara it was just... love.

Becoming aware of the moronic smile that was drifting across his face, Naboo downed the rest of his tea and attempted to gain some composure. Shamen don't grin like loons, they have to maintain an air of mysticism. Naboo wandered into the kitchen, putting his mug in the sink. He glanced at the fridge, where a set of photobooth pictures of him and Tara was tacked onto the door. She was grinning and wearing that cool purple top, a purple flower behind her ear. Maybe he'd call her again...

Just then the flat door opened and Howard bounded in, with Vince trailing sullenly in his wake. Naboo did a double take and nearly had to go back and read that sentence again. The pair were almost so completely out of character and in each other's that Naboo wouldn't have been surprised if Howard had been wearing a sparkly catsuit and Vince had grown a moustache and an interest in Jazz on his morning out.

"Naboo!" yelled Howard ecstatically as if the shaman had just turned into a pile of jazz records. Naboo backed up against the fridge as Howard advanced towards him, assuming that the taller man was going to rape/ kill him and was as shocked as a badger in leggings when Howard actually hugged him.

"It's a great day Naboo!" Howard said merrily. He may have even been skipping.

Good grief.

Vince flicked the kettle on and moodily shoved teabags and milk into four mugs, while Howard danced about singing about shenises. It was nice that Howard was happy for once but did he have to be so bloody happy about it? Vince remembered something and, with his heart thudding, he turned to Naboo.

"Does your... friend want a cup of tea?" Vince wasn't sure how he'd managed to say 'friend' in a voice that sounded like it'd been caught in the wheels of a doubldecker bus and then reversed over several times. Fortunately no one else noticed.

"Nah, Jools is actually paying a visit to your sister at the moment." Naboo said, sitting down at the table and picking up a copy of 'Time Out' and leafing through it. He was planning on taking Jools to a show or something, to take her mind of things. Somehow he couldn't see her getting into 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' though. Well, he couldn't see himself getting into it, he'd rather eat his own turban. Still it was the thought that counted.

Vince, after experiencing on an odd sensation of relief and disappointment, felt slightly puzzled (and also a bit dizzy, that's quite a lot of emotions for one very short paragraph).

Howard threw himself into a chair opposite Naboo's. "So you going to ask me why it's such a good day?" he asked and was blithely ignored by everyone.

"Why's she with Tara?" he said, turning round and remembering he was holding the kettle in a pouring position just in time to save his rainbow beaded moccasins from getting splashed with boiling water.

Naboo decided it was probably best not to explain the whole thing.

"I guess they just wanted to meet each other. Tara's my girlfriend and Jools is my best friend after all."

"Is Jools her real name?" asked Vince, before he could stop himself. He remembered that night, a few months before when he'd first heard the name she had said, how he'd rolled it around in his mind and how good it had tasted when he'd said it. Aurelia.

Naboo shook his head. "Nickname. Her real name's Aurelia. We call her Jools cos you can't really get a nickname out of Aureila. Her second name's Juliette."

Vince felt slightly gratified. At least she hadn't lied to him about that. Everything else, though, still seemed quite hazy.

"Well you see it's a good day because-" Howard continued, not put off by the fact that the other two men were paying him absolutely no heed.

"Where's Bollo?" asked Naboo, taking the proffered mug off Vince.

Vince shrugged and plonked another mug down in front of Howard, who was now elaborately texting on his phone and spelling out the message as if he was teaching toddlers to read. 'D-E-A-R space S-O-R-R-O-W' . Naboo and Vince had both built up a certain immunity to the majority of things Howard said and this was no exception.

"He said he saw something downstairs and was gonna bring it up. A parcel or something." Said Vince, taking a slurp of his tea and leaning back against the counter.

As if on cue (or as if the author wanted to move things on a bit) Bollo suddenly burst through the door of the flat and laboured his way up the stairs carrying a small parcel, wrapped in brown paper. Despite the fact that this parcel was dwarfed in size by Bollo, the ape appeared to be having some trouble with it. He was wheezing with fatigue as he dragged the little square box up the stairs, his arms hanging low as he tried to support the immense weight of the thing. He finally made it up the stairs, staggered across the room and gently placed the parcel on the coffee table.

The coffee table made a noise not unlike a dying giraffe and then completely collapsed. The parcel sat innocuously in the debris.

Vince and Naboo stared at the ex-table and its destroyer, then at Bollo (who was still wheezing and sweating) then at each other. This was all highly unusual. Then again, most things that happened to them were unusual. Anything normal happening to them would be downright freakish. Howard continued to prattle on.

"Is... is addressed to you, Naboo." Bollo stated before flopping down onto the sofa.

Naboo put his mug down and stood up. He walked over to the parcel. It was indeed addressed to him. 'Naboo' was all that was written on the thing, in plain neat text. Somehow this was a bit of a let down for Vince. He'd been hoping for a bit of mysterious handwriting to go along with bizarreness of the package, not boring Ariel.

There was no postmark... at least none that human eyes could see. Naboo could see the faint glow of another universes' light hanging around the box, though, like rings around a frosty moon. He reached out to pull off the string (of course there was string on the package. There's always string on mysterious packages.)

The paper fell away to reveal a cube underneath. It was apparently solid but looked like it was liquid, gas and something with the same consistency as Angel Delight (which as everyone knows, cannot be defined into those three simple groups) all at the same time. Upon first impression the thing was black in colour but flashed every colour in the universe at the same time as remaining completely black. It was hideously, painfully beautiful. Naboo reached out and gently touched it. It made a noise like a choir of angels singing in unison while simultaneously smashing up a dozen grand pianos with sledgehammers. Ridiculous, loud, gorgeous, jarring and oddly satisfying all in the same discordant second.

Even Howard to stop and stare in amazement at the cube. The four of them were mesmerised by it. Naboo was mesmerised because it wasn't the first time he'd seen something like this but it was definitely the first time that it had appeared in his living room after smashing up his coffee table. The other three were mesmerised because... well it was mesmerising.

It seemed to be a living thing, giving off sparks of energy... of life. At the same time it was just a little black box it was also the most oddly enchanting object in the universe. And Howard, Vince and Bollo were buggered if they knew what it was.

"What is it?" asked Vince after a long period of awe had passed and the period of irritation at his own ignorance had set in.

Naboo glanced at him and smiled, turning his gaze back to the cube.

"This is solid time." He replied.

* * *

"Your friend is called Starla?" Jools had asked as she began to guide Tara's van, still floating in the air, down the motorway about half an hour earlier. Taras topped being so excited about the experience being 'So Harry Potter!' for a few seconds to laugh at this.

"That says a lot for someone called Aurelia Juliette Athene Xantox Blanc." Quipped Tara, who'd been stunned when she'd got that response from Jools after asking the apparently simply question 'What's your full name?'

"Yes but 'Starla'... you don't want to know what that means in my native language." Replied Jools.

Starla was actually just as Jools would have guessed her to be from her name. Wearing a long purple skirt and a royal blue kaftan she was the longhaired, starry eyed, warmly laughing embodiment of the modern hippy. She hugged Tara and Jools warmly in turn, not in the least bit phased about that they were shockingly early and had just flown down the drive. It was cool and everything but hey, let's have some elderflower cordial.

"I'll leave you two kids to it, then." Said Jools after downing her second glass of the cool bubbly drink. She'd stayed to enjoy the view and chat to Tara and her friend for a while and found that this was every bit as enjoyable as the drink. The sun was warm and the bumble bees floated fatly through the air, bobbing from flower to flower in Starla's colourful garden. It was relaxing and easy, in the sundrenched garden with equally sunny people. It was just nice for Jools to take time to forget that she'd forgotten so much.

Starla had professed to be in love with Jools's waist length white hair but Jools expressed a wish for a more manageable style, one that meant she didn't have to worry about it getting stuck in doors and her only realising when she'd made it halfway across the room. Tara told Starla how she'd met Jools and found herself in hysterics about something that she'd found gut wrenchingly painful just an hour earlier. Starla asked Tara how Naboo was and Jools was gratified to see her new friend go pink and mumbly. She really did love him.

Both Tara and Starla let out moans but were too comfy in their garden chairs to stage a full protest. Like a pair of sunned cats they stretched to hug Jools goodbye. As Jools stooped to hug Starla the other woman grabbed her palm.

"Just wanna see your fortune!" Starla exclaimed.

Jools stifled a laugh at this. Palmistry was rather amusing to her, as Jools had the ability to see forward, back and side to side in time. Humans, with their concepts of time probably wouldn't be able to get their heads around the fact that 'fortune' as Starla called it was something that existed, entirely formed already and yet would be constantly shifting and changing. The past did this too... but of course as the past shifted so did the present to fit the newly formed past. So in fact the past was completely different but seemed exactly the same. To put it simply, shamen see time like a giant Rubrics cube which has some of it squares moving in a uniform manner, others spinning round and round of their own accord and the rest probably playing tennis in some far flung region of the known universe.

In fact that's not putting simply at all. If anything it's throwing a giant plastic puzzle into an already massively swirly mess. But if you like visual representations then it's probably as close as we're ever going to get without dismantling the very fabric of the galaxy. Which I'm told is a bad thing.

Starla scrutinised Jools' outstretched hand while Jools pulled faces at Tara over Starla's head. It was Tara's turn to stifle a laugh now. She wondered just how much of the sentence 'Jools is an extremely powerful shaman' Starla had taken in.

"Oh, I see a journey ahead..." Starla said in tones of wonder.

"Yep, I'm heading back to London." Jools replied, grinning.

"And a man..." Starla continued, oblivious.

"Uhuh... Naboo or Bollo or Tara's brother or... the other one."

"Howard." Supplied Tara, helpfully.

"Yep Howard."

Starla grinned. "I have a feeling it will be an interesting time for you..." she said to Jools and dropped the other woman's hand.

"Well as long as I don't have to go and see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I'll be fine." Jools grinned at the pair of them. "I'll see you."

"Hang on how're you going to get back when Tara's van is-" Starla began before Jools disintegrated into a shimmering cloud. Tara and Starla watched the swirling pile of glitter and smoke for a few moments.

"If I could do that it'd make shopping at Waitrose a lot easier." Tara said. Starla nodded and they both sipped their drinks.

* * *

Back in the musty staffroom of the Dalston library, Sorrow rifled through her bag and found what she was looking for: a long green glass tube, covered with smaller coloured glass buttons. Pressing a small purple button on its side she spoke into one end of the tube.

"Surveillance log for Operation AJAX Protection. N's housemates certified as none threatening. Moving on to phase two. Lieutenant Helix, out."

She let go of the button and then tapped a series of the others, hoping that her message would reach Celestaiaa quickly. She wasn't worried about the other staff having noticed her do this, the enchantment was powerful enough for them not to notice her true form then it was powerful enough to stop them from hearing her relaying important information back to her home planet.

She dropped the tube back into her bag and leaned back in the creaking leather chair, trying to ignore the troubles that were now piling up in her mind. Anymore and she'd soon need a filing cabinet. Then she smiled as she remembered the man from earlier, wondering if he too would one day make it into her filing cabinet of worry...

...And all over London the humming started. But it would be a while before anyone really heard it. Even then it would take a while longer for anyone to realise what it _meant._

* * *

**Can you tell I've been reading Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett recently? Thanks again to Corrine for the loan of Tara, I hope I did her justice! Oh yeah and sorry about the name of the song, doesn't suit the chapter at all. It was jut the first line...or was it? Mwuhahaaha... please review!**


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